Time for take off.....

 2008, December 18, Thursday

I have been having a rather messy routine lately, with my husband being home and all. Nevertheless, I still have the same chores that I have to complete each day. Along with nagging the children to complete their day to day expected chores.

Ivan has totally reached a stage where I find that everyday is a battle. Either it would be a new battle or part two of what happened yesterday. I try to look at it in with a positive note. That he is learning something, even when he is being difficult. He is learning to push boundaries and be manipulative. Skills that take alot of thinking and analysing for a boy with autism.

The boys hardly have their father's undivided attention and his time. Normally, they have school when the dad is home. This is the first time in years that the dad is home for the holidays. So it would be natural for boys to act out. As my hubby always quotes, "Boys will be boys." Honestly, it is driving me up the wall.

In the midst of Christmas preparation and the New Year To-do lists, I was surprised when I had a new challenge. This one wasn't from Ivan. It was from Immanuel, my 1o year old who will be turning 11 years in February soon. If you look at Immanuel, you will see a small build, timid boy, that overcomes anxiety by talking a lot. But what you cannot see is that he is becoming a teenager on the inside.

My hubby and I knew that one day Immanuel would become a teenager and bring along all the challenges with it. But neither of us thought that it would be so soon. As usual, the mummy intuition is faster that the daddy's. I sensed that my first born was growing up, breaking boundaries and tradition to find himself.

While we shopped for clothes, he was being unusually fussy. He would make comments that we had not heard from him before. Either the colour was not right, or the shade or the pockets. I remember reading somewhere that a one of the beginning signs of adolescences would be looking for an individual image by changing the hairstyle and dressing. The child would come out of his comfort zone, to find himself. There are many adults today that I know of still finding themselves. So when its time to grow up, lets not hinder the process or they may be wondering for 40 years.

Before the dad came home, he tried experimenting with a couple of new hairstyle. Styling it with gel daily. Trying new clothes styles, of mixing and matching. Then I guess that lost its appeal. Now he wants the very same hairstyle the dad has. He also wants to dress the same way. (the good thing is we know who his idol is) Many children idolise movie stars and singers to fill the void of a hero in their lives. I think its great that my son sees his father as his hero and wants to form his identity after him. The only down side to this is that my hubby has to watch his every move. He is being studied so closely that a wrong example could scar for life. As for me I realise that my first born is falling through my hands.

Realising that my choices were either upsetting him or embarrassing him. I decided to take a back step. I would leave the boys to shop with the dad, while I caught up with the "me" time, that I had given up for so many years. This way there are few misunderstandings and no one offends no one. Since, my son and I are very vocal, frank and expressive, we tend to end up stepping on each others toes sometimes. But daddy is there to smooth everything out, what he does best always. Its been a bumpy ride, unlike Ivan's journey, for this one I got to buckle up and its going to be a fast and reckless one and I would be just a passenger.

I see my boy growing up before my very eyes. I wish he would not be in such a rush to grow up, but its not for me to say. I always believed that we should give our children roots and then wings. But now I wonder are the roots are strong enough? When he spread his wings to fly, will it be alright? Its too late to turn back the clock? Have I missed out anything important? Will he choose the right path? Will he make the right friends? What does the future hold?

Its like standing in the viewing gallery at the airport as you watch the plane take flight. Parenting is like that, its time for departure. I have to let my boy take flight whether or not I think he is ready, it doesn't matter. Now all I can do is to wait. If he falls, and we all will, I will be there to nurse the wounds but I will no longer be able to protect him like a child. Parenting, ahhh the irony of life. We give birth to a baby only to watch him grow and fall so that he will be a better person. I pray that in all paths of his life, only the Lord shall have the final say. I turn my eyes to the Lord and rest my anxieties, as I know it would be an anxious and painful journey of being the parent of a teenager.

Take Off.......