Life.....

2009, January 23, Friday

Its been awhile since I updated my blog.... Not that I had nothing to say but getting my hands on the only laptop in the house is so hard. I really must get another one. (I know then people say that I am spoilt!) Ivan is so possessive of the laptop that no one else gets to use it. When he is in school, my other boy has to use it for research, then poor mummy got not chance to blog.

Okay, now for the decision that my hubby and I had to make. We had decided that we were going to re-admit him into Eden School then known as Singapore Autism School. (where Ivan had been studying at for two years before going to Primary One) I tried calling other schools though, but that brought my spirits down. It was like going back to square one all over again. Just two years back I was in the same scenario,I had to call so many people and visit so many schools to get my son into special school and went through the orientation and all. Then MOE redirects him to Primary school where we thought his new journey was. Only to find out that after six months they recommend that he would do well in a special school environment. Although they reccomended such, it was very much the parents decision to withdraw the child. I tried holding on to every minute I had, but finally felt that he would do better in another environment. I am so sick of this tango that we have to do.

Looking at my darling sleeping so peacefully, I had to take this photo. Looking at him, I feel a peace of serenity, that sometimes I wish I could bubble myself in and not come out to face reality. Life is just too hard to struggle for me. But then again for this angelic face, its worth every challenge I meet upon the way.

Years ago when I found out about Ivan's situation, I was at a total loss. I didn't know what autism was, I thought to myself. What is this autism, is it like mental retardation. I had to do my own research to find out what his situation was all about.Then materials were so hard to get hold off. Today you can find many books in the library and bookstores, on special needs. I struggled through all those years taking a step at a time, my hubby joined me in that journey a year later. He took a year to overcome denial.I took time off my work to follow him to all the therapies that he had to attend. I remember feeling so done at the end of the therapy session, that my son was not like the rest. I felt like I had let him down. I stressed myself, that it was upon me to make it right. But somehow, no matter how hard I try, nothing really improved. The worse was when I went back to work after therapy and saw all the children in the childcare, where my child was not able to be part of. I worked in a world full of beautiful children, a world that somehow, my own son cannot fit into. On therapy days, when I went back to work I would be very moody and quiet for the rest of the day.

My boss noticed that it was becoming a norm, so she gave me some "advice". "You should not let this affect your job and your life. Children like these should not be kept at home. Send him off to some home and pay them to look after you son. Don't ruin your future become of a child like this." Those were her words that were burnt into my heart. It affected me so much, I cried so hard. I loved my child, he is my flesh and blood. He is also a human being that deserves to be loved and taken care off. But why do people segregate them as some outcast that needs to be set aside from society.

That was when I thought to myself, that this world is filled with so many mean people, that are just too quick to judge and ostracize people who are different from them. Thus, I had to advocate for my son, he needs someone that can be his voice to this very cruel world. I then quit my job to be a full time advocate for my loving darling son. Still today, I speak up for him and voice out opinions for him. Sometimes, I know I annoy the teachers by doing this, But I don't care. My son and his well being are what matters the most to me. And if I have to be his advocate for the rest of my life, I would gladly do so until my last breathe, and know that I have lived a life that was fulfilling. A life that changed another's and made life easier for another living being, my son.

-bittersweetz-