2009, January 27, Tuesday
Sometimes you hear the expression, "The holidays can get very lonely." My feelings exactly, should a holiday come by and my hubby isn't home, the silence and loneliness overwhelms me. That is why sometimes I keep myself occupied as much as I can. I try very hard not to sit down and recap life, because then I go to places that are very dark.
I know of this lady, who had three boys, as I was growing up. She lived in the same block as my family and me in my previous neighbourhood. As a child, I used to see her bring her boys, one by one to the roadside, to board the school bus. Her first two boys could not walk, I never really knew what was the problem. But I used to see her struggle with each of them to get up the school bus. It was then that I realise that there are some children that are different from us and they do go to school too, to special school. Watching her was very much like a daily routine, as I waited for my school bus to arrive. I felt something for her, But I never really knew what it was that I felt, was it pity, pain or sympathy?
Many years later, I had totally forgotten about her. I moved on to further my studies, met my hubby, got married and moved out of the neighbourhood. I then had children of my own and discovered about Ivan's situation. In my new neighbourhood, there were many vacant houses that had yet to be filled up.
One fine day, this lady and her family moved into the house on the ground floor, next to my flat. My mum who visited me recognised her and asked me if I recalled this lady and her sons. Of course I did she was very different from many people I met in my childhood. As my hubby was from the same neighbourhood as me, he knew them too.
A year passed, since that lady and her family moved in. They had modified their front steps into a ramp for their wheelchairs to come and go. Occasionally, we see her grandchildren at the playground (kids of her 3rd son, who is normal). Everytime, we walked passed her house, we would see her working, either hanging the laundry or watering the plants.
One day, as my hubby, boys and I took our evening strolls we saw her again, hanging clothes. She would always give a beaming smile as she recognised us. When I saw her doing the laundry, as her sons sat in their wheelchairs, looking onto the roadside, I felt sad. Was my life going to be similar. Would this be the scenario with Ivan, when he becomes an adult? Just as we passed, my hubby made this comment, "This lady is so admirable, she is always so cheerful, despite her situation." After some silence, I said, "Yes, she is a very cheerful woman, many see that. But how many see her pain and her tears?"
I know that because, I am in the same situation. Many a times I have people telling me, "Wow, I don't know how you do it, it must be hard" or "You are a strong person, that's why you can manage, I don't' think I can" or "I don't think I can survive such a situation, but you can, you are strong, your a fighter". Comments like these piss me off. People and family make it sound as if I had a choice and that its fine because its me. I do admit that I am a fighter and survivor, but that doesn't mean that I requested for such a challenge. Once my very pregnant sis-in-law came for a visit. She commented that should she have a child like Ivan she could never be able to deal with it. Then she looked at her husband, for assurance that they would not want a child like that. Should she had not been a pregnant guest at my home, I would have so given it to her. It amazes me sometimes, how people can be so cruel and insensitive.
Personally, I do feel very much but I know that thinking about it would engulf me and that I would be a mess. So I try to be the person that I was, before autism robbed us. I used to be very jovial and passionate about my job. Sadly, many a times people mistake that for, "Oh, she's okay. It doesn't seem that she can't handle. She's doing fine." Its when I break down that no one sees. There are times that I just sit alone and stare listlessly into the sky. Wishing, wishing that things would be different. Tears would be of an abundance during these times. And by my side are two precious ones. My God and my hubby. There really isn't anyone else that I can count on. No matter which part of the world my hubby is, if there is a phone line connection, I would call him to pour my heart out. Sometimes, I envy people with special needs kids, that have so much of family support. They still have a life. I lost mine 6 years ago.
I lost time with my friends, because I don't have a babysitter to care for my son when I want to go out. My hubby and I don't have date nights anymore for the same reason. Play dates are out of the question too. But I am so thankful, that he is so wonderful. He keeps telling me that we are in this together. (I have read statistics that show how men cannot cope, thus they run away). We make the best of our marriage with what we have. It has drawn us closer together, I must say.
People are so quick to judge when you have a child that is different. I don't really have to go so far, my mother feels that Ivan is a burden, that she cannot handle. She would not be able to babysit him unless my elder son was around, even when we tried leaving the boys with her to get out a bit. I would get a call even before we ordered dinner, "You better come home, Ivan very fussy, I cannot handle."Then I have my religious mother-in-law, who tells people that I must have sinned to have a child like Ivan. She never stopped to think that her son fathered the boy.
Well so much for family support. Sometimes, its much more comforting to pay an outsid
er to look after your kids then put up with all that rubbish. There is no comfort in standing alone, but sometimes, that's where you find yourself. Many years ago, a teacher told me this, "God must trust you so much to give you a child like Ivan." Until today, it is the only comforting thing that I have heard and I hold it very dear.
But hey, life goes on whether we want to or not. Through out all these problems, I try to enjoy my time with my kids despite all the pain. With hope in my heart that someday, it will all be okay. Someday, my son will be accepted and that someday, he has a fair shot at life like every other person. Just someday..........
I know of this lady, who had three boys, as I was growing up. She lived in the same block as my family and me in my previous neighbourhood. As a child, I used to see her bring her boys, one by one to the roadside, to board the school bus. Her first two boys could not walk, I never really knew what was the problem. But I used to see her struggle with each of them to get up the school bus. It was then that I realise that there are some children that are different from us and they do go to school too, to special school. Watching her was very much like a daily routine, as I waited for my school bus to arrive. I felt something for her, But I never really knew what it was that I felt, was it pity, pain or sympathy?
Many years later, I had totally forgotten about her. I moved on to further my studies, met my hubby, got married and moved out of the neighbourhood. I then had children of my own and discovered about Ivan's situation. In my new neighbourhood, there were many vacant houses that had yet to be filled up.
One fine day, this lady and her family moved into the house on the ground floor, next to my flat. My mum who visited me recognised her and asked me if I recalled this lady and her sons. Of course I did she was very different from many people I met in my childhood. As my hubby was from the same neighbourhood as me, he knew them too.
A year passed, since that lady and her family moved in. They had modified their front steps into a ramp for their wheelchairs to come and go. Occasionally, we see her grandchildren at the playground (kids of her 3rd son, who is normal). Everytime, we walked passed her house, we would see her working, either hanging the laundry or watering the plants.
One day, as my hubby, boys and I took our evening strolls we saw her again, hanging clothes. She would always give a beaming smile as she recognised us. When I saw her doing the laundry, as her sons sat in their wheelchairs, looking onto the roadside, I felt sad. Was my life going to be similar. Would this be the scenario with Ivan, when he becomes an adult? Just as we passed, my hubby made this comment, "This lady is so admirable, she is always so cheerful, despite her situation." After some silence, I said, "Yes, she is a very cheerful woman, many see that. But how many see her pain and her tears?"
I know that because, I am in the same situation. Many a times I have people telling me, "Wow, I don't know how you do it, it must be hard" or "You are a strong person, that's why you can manage, I don't' think I can" or "I don't think I can survive such a situation, but you can, you are strong, your a fighter". Comments like these piss me off. People and family make it sound as if I had a choice and that its fine because its me. I do admit that I am a fighter and survivor, but that doesn't mean that I requested for such a challenge. Once my very pregnant sis-in-law came for a visit. She commented that should she have a child like Ivan she could never be able to deal with it. Then she looked at her husband, for assurance that they would not want a child like that. Should she had not been a pregnant guest at my home, I would have so given it to her. It amazes me sometimes, how people can be so cruel and insensitive.
Personally, I do feel very much but I know that thinking about it would engulf me and that I would be a mess. So I try to be the person that I was, before autism robbed us. I used to be very jovial and passionate about my job. Sadly, many a times people mistake that for, "Oh, she's okay. It doesn't seem that she can't handle. She's doing fine." Its when I break down that no one sees. There are times that I just sit alone and stare listlessly into the sky. Wishing, wishing that things would be different. Tears would be of an abundance during these times. And by my side are two precious ones. My God and my hubby. There really isn't anyone else that I can count on. No matter which part of the world my hubby is, if there is a phone line connection, I would call him to pour my heart out. Sometimes, I envy people with special needs kids, that have so much of family support. They still have a life. I lost mine 6 years ago.
I lost time with my friends, because I don't have a babysitter to care for my son when I want to go out. My hubby and I don't have date nights anymore for the same reason. Play dates are out of the question too. But I am so thankful, that he is so wonderful. He keeps telling me that we are in this together. (I have read statistics that show how men cannot cope, thus they run away). We make the best of our marriage with what we have. It has drawn us closer together, I must say.
People are so quick to judge when you have a child that is different. I don't really have to go so far, my mother feels that Ivan is a burden, that she cannot handle. She would not be able to babysit him unless my elder son was around, even when we tried leaving the boys with her to get out a bit. I would get a call even before we ordered dinner, "You better come home, Ivan very fussy, I cannot handle."Then I have my religious mother-in-law, who tells people that I must have sinned to have a child like Ivan. She never stopped to think that her son fathered the boy.
Well so much for family support. Sometimes, its much more comforting to pay an outsid
er to look after your kids then put up with all that rubbish. There is no comfort in standing alone, but sometimes, that's where you find yourself. Many years ago, a teacher told me this, "God must trust you so much to give you a child like Ivan." Until today, it is the only comforting thing that I have heard and I hold it very dear.But hey, life goes on whether we want to or not. Through out all these problems, I try to enjoy my time with my kids despite all the pain. With hope in my heart that someday, it will all be okay. Someday, my son will be accepted and that someday, he has a fair shot at life like every other person. Just someday..........
-bittersweetz-
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