Love your child, Hate the autism.

2009, December 11, Friday

I stare at the screen as I ponder in my brain what to write. In the background, I hear a monotonous voice singing, "4-3-2 and 4-3-2". Meaningless, to me, it must have some significance to Ivan. He goes on and on for a while, then giggles and stopped. Then the silence resumes. I stare into the screen again, thinking of what I want to say.

Personally, I am the writing type. I find that, I always feel better after I express all my emotions in writing. Strangely, when I argue with my hubby mostly its via sms. I have no problems talking though, but there is just something that works for me when I write my feelings down. It's like a step that helps me to move on to the next step.

The year end holidays have started.... unlike other households, we take to the holidays very very differently, here at our home. First and foremost, there is the element of change. One that is not favoured by kids who have the autism trait. With the absence of school, I now have to plan out Ivan's day for him, or else,  there was going to be lots of damage done. Combining with the fact that the dad is in and out of town due to work, the changes are racking my peace. Immanuel on the other hand feels that its hard on him too. There are lots of things he can't do with his brother, like normal kids do. He can't play card games or board games, catch, hide-and-seek, etc. So where the elder one in concerned, I have to ensure that his childhood isn't affected because of Ivan. 

Thankfully, Immanuel found a friend that lives near by to play with. They can hang out and play games, have conversations and simply have fun. I always wanted to treat my kids equally so as to minimize sibling rivalry and much as possible. My hubby and I talked about this when we started a family. But we found ourselves stuck with a bad situation. 

It would be difficult to treat them the same. They require different needs and have different interests. Immanuel like cars, Ivan like cartoons. We can't buy them identical gifts either. As Immanuel is very much mature for his age, I always explain my actions to him and ensure that he understands that discipline for both of them will look different, but its the same in a way. Also that we accept them for who they are and that Immanuel will never have to be burdened by his undertaking of his brother. Many atimes, parents expect the elder sibling to undertake the care of the special needs sibling. I know of families as such. But ask yourself, is that fair. It's duties that are force upon, the elder sibling will start to resent the heavy burden laid upon them. We want Immanuel to want to be there for Ivan, not that he has a nagging voice at the back of his head saying, you have to take care of your brother.

It's delicate, you know, family life...

How I feel?

I feel exhausted, frustrated and I feel angry. Oh.. I feel tired and hopeless too.

But you know what, I still feel the love.

The love the Lord has for me, and the fact that He entrusted this little angel to me.

I feel the love I have for my ever-supporting husband, and my two sons.

Sometimes, when we fight a battle for too long, we lose track of the emotions. We start to get angry with people we love. We start to show unpleasantness to the ill or troubled. Always, always remember that its the sickness or situation that you should be angry with, not the person. People, are meant to be loved at all times. Don't we all want to be forgiven and accepted no matter what flaws we have or what mistakes we make. It's the same for all.

Some days ago, my husband was very upset about something. I could tell that something was bothering him, but couldn't tell what it was. I gave him a couple of days to feel his way through his mind, then we spoke. He hasn't been working for the past 4mths and the cash flow in, isn't sufficient. We relied very much on our savings to bring us through.

The burden of being the sole breadwinner in the family, started taking a toll on him. He started to think about how to... this and how to that.... It made him more miserable. That wasn't the worst. He started to snap at Ivan all the time. He felt that all this extra stress came about because of Ivan's education. We had to ensure that we at least set aside S$25K a year to settle Ivan's school fees. 

He feared tomorrow, he feared the what if... I won't say that I am very religious, but I know that the Good Lord has never let us down. He has always come through for us in all ways whenever we needed Him. So I take it a day at a time.

I spoke to Peter about these emotions of his, that were hurting the family. The kids could sense his fear and anger. Ivan was receiving alot of the side-effects. I told him what someone once told me. "God must trust you so much that he entrusted a child like Ivan in your care. He knows that you will do a great job with His special children." It was a touching silent moment. But my point went forth. We love our son, its the autism and the financial situation that we hate. 

Peter looked a cross the table and same the kids looking up at him, expressing their confusion and fear. He understood how his insecurities were affecting all of us. He made peace with the boys and took them to the playground. It's one of the activities that they enjoy together.

As parents, we lose it sometimes. We look around and we realise that the world is scary and the future is unknown. Nevertheless, life goes on... Enjoy your partner, enjoy your children, the time you have together, for they will soon be just memories. Just memories in your mind, to look back on when you are retired and recollect great times that you had with your loved-ones. It's truly the biggest most valuable asset you can save up in life. 

Ponder with a cup of hot cocoa.....

-bittersweetz-