2009, June 03,Wednesday
This morning, my alarm didn't ring, as I had placed it PM instead of AM. So you can imagine the adrenaline rush when you get up late. Of course Ivan, was already up watching TV (he had already came to my room and asked for permission around 6.30am). I had to rush Immanuel awake, shower, breakfast in a hurry and pack documents all at the same time.
Today, we had an appointment with the special school called St Clares. I was to be there at 10.30am and I had planned to take the train there to save some money. Unfortunately, by the time I had showered and got Ivan ready, it was already 9.20am. So plan B, we had to take the cab now. Just to add on to my stress, my elder son had decided that he was not going to accompany us. He had made arrangements to go over to my mum's place to hang around. So I had to ensure that he had something to occupy him with, or he would talk them there to death.
So we had left the house, walked Immanuel over to cross the road to my mum's place, and headed back to the main road to flag a cab. The last time we took a cab to St Clares, the taxi driver didn't know the place and we drove around in circles. Fortunately, this taxi driver was able to get there safe and fast.
We entered the school as I introduced to Ivan that this was going to be his new school soon. I approached the office and was told to await the person I had made an appointment with. After about 10mins, a lady comes out and tells me that the person I am suppose to meet is on the phone and wishes to talk to me. He then tells me, that he is sorry that he won't be in as he has something on. So that leaves me with filling up the registration forms and making payment, only to return on another day for Ivan's interview.
After all the paper work and payment was settled, Ivan and I decided to take the bus back from there to AMK and then a train back home to Sembawang. Thankfully, it was a short 15 mins bus ride, but it was not to be a peaceful one. Ivan kept insisting that we alighted to go visit his baby cousins who lived around there. But what he could not comprehend, was that they had all migrated to India a month ago. Poor boy, still doesn't seem to understand that. That was why I told my hubby, that we should have brought Ivan to the airport to send them off, as that would help him understand that they were leaving on an airplane. Now each time we take the train, he asked for us to go there. We used to visit the girls almost every week so its hard on poor Ivan...
Now we had reached Sun Plaza, and we had to have lunch. I called Immanuel to join us at Mac's as he had been crazing about the Coke glasses that we being given free with a meal up size. So we got 2 purple glasses and a whole lot of fries that we could not finish. Walking back, my hubby called and I was sharing the good news that Ivan had been enrolled into St Clares, when I decided to multi-task. Normally, I am pretty good at multi-taking trust me, but today ohhhh......
I was on the hand phone, as I told the boys to wait outside the very small bakery as I bought teatime treats. Even before I could take a doughnut, there was a load CRAZSHHHHH....
Ivan had bumped into something at the next store. I quickly hung up the phone, and returned the tray I was holding. As I gazed to the behold the horrifying sight, I saw 4 boxes of sweets crashed onto the floor. Then, I felt a big hammer falling on head, like they would in Tom and Jerry. I apologized several times to the sales girl, and helped her pick up the boxes. She just yelled at me in Chinese, which was good, so then I could pretend that I didn't understand. I was so embarrassed and angry at the same time. Horrible me took it out on my elder son, as the other one would make me more furious as he kept smiling at me.
I reached home so upset, so upset. I know I should not have taken my disappointments and anger out on Immanuel, but I really am cracking up. Its been years that I am carrying this burden, life goes on for everyone but here I am dragging my problems from situation to situation, only seeming to get worse. Life SUCKS!!!!
Don't get me wrong I love my children and I love Ivan very much even though I feel miserable about his autism. Its just that I am the only one pulling the chain and ball everywhere I go. My hubby works, yes he works his ass off, while I stay at home (Tai Tai, as some would call it). But trust me, I would trade it all in a second for a normal life, and go back to work. When he works, he is still free. He still goes out with friends and has his time alone to refresh. My elder son is growing up and he is free too. But am the only one carrying this burden called autism, I am tired, so tired I really want to be free.... one luxury that I never saw in life.
With tears in my eyes, I think of today. I feel like a failure to my boys. What kind of mother can't cope with her children, plus everyone tells me, "you only have two what?" Could it be that I don't have what it takes? Why do I keep breaking down so much? Am I not strong enough? I hate myself when I lash out at my hubby and elder son, when I can't seem to cope with all that is expected of me. Truly, if I had know that this was what life had in store for me, I would have just stopped with dating. It's just hard, every couple of months, we go back to square one again with Ivan's autism. People are so quick to judge but how many can actually lend a helping hand.
My hubby suggested that I went out with friends, yeah right. Being cooped up at home following Ivan everywhere and running from doctor to therapist had left me with practically no friends. In the beginning I would brush them off my saying that I had appointments with therapist, then the follow ups and what nots. Eventually, most lost touch and now I find myself cooped up, miserable and exhausted. Not actually the life, people imagine the Tai Tai me to have I guess. To most, they see the money that the Lord has blessed us with, but no one sees the pain and exhaustion I go through...
With a loud sigh, I look to tomorrow to be a brighter day...
Today, we had an appointment with the special school called St Clares. I was to be there at 10.30am and I had planned to take the train there to save some money. Unfortunately, by the time I had showered and got Ivan ready, it was already 9.20am. So plan B, we had to take the cab now. Just to add on to my stress, my elder son had decided that he was not going to accompany us. He had made arrangements to go over to my mum's place to hang around. So I had to ensure that he had something to occupy him with, or he would talk them there to death.
So we had left the house, walked Immanuel over to cross the road to my mum's place, and headed back to the main road to flag a cab. The last time we took a cab to St Clares, the taxi driver didn't know the place and we drove around in circles. Fortunately, this taxi driver was able to get there safe and fast.
We entered the school as I introduced to Ivan that this was going to be his new school soon. I approached the office and was told to await the person I had made an appointment with. After about 10mins, a lady comes out and tells me that the person I am suppose to meet is on the phone and wishes to talk to me. He then tells me, that he is sorry that he won't be in as he has something on. So that leaves me with filling up the registration forms and making payment, only to return on another day for Ivan's interview.
After all the paper work and payment was settled, Ivan and I decided to take the bus back from there to AMK and then a train back home to Sembawang. Thankfully, it was a short 15 mins bus ride, but it was not to be a peaceful one. Ivan kept insisting that we alighted to go visit his baby cousins who lived around there. But what he could not comprehend, was that they had all migrated to India a month ago. Poor boy, still doesn't seem to understand that. That was why I told my hubby, that we should have brought Ivan to the airport to send them off, as that would help him understand that they were leaving on an airplane. Now each time we take the train, he asked for us to go there. We used to visit the girls almost every week so its hard on poor Ivan...
Now we had reached Sun Plaza, and we had to have lunch. I called Immanuel to join us at Mac's as he had been crazing about the Coke glasses that we being given free with a meal up size. So we got 2 purple glasses and a whole lot of fries that we could not finish. Walking back, my hubby called and I was sharing the good news that Ivan had been enrolled into St Clares, when I decided to multi-task. Normally, I am pretty good at multi-taking trust me, but today ohhhh......
I was on the hand phone, as I told the boys to wait outside the very small bakery as I bought teatime treats. Even before I could take a doughnut, there was a load CRAZSHHHHH....
Ivan had bumped into something at the next store. I quickly hung up the phone, and returned the tray I was holding. As I gazed to the behold the horrifying sight, I saw 4 boxes of sweets crashed onto the floor. Then, I felt a big hammer falling on head, like they would in Tom and Jerry. I apologized several times to the sales girl, and helped her pick up the boxes. She just yelled at me in Chinese, which was good, so then I could pretend that I didn't understand. I was so embarrassed and angry at the same time. Horrible me took it out on my elder son, as the other one would make me more furious as he kept smiling at me.
I reached home so upset, so upset. I know I should not have taken my disappointments and anger out on Immanuel, but I really am cracking up. Its been years that I am carrying this burden, life goes on for everyone but here I am dragging my problems from situation to situation, only seeming to get worse. Life SUCKS!!!!
Don't get me wrong I love my children and I love Ivan very much even though I feel miserable about his autism. Its just that I am the only one pulling the chain and ball everywhere I go. My hubby works, yes he works his ass off, while I stay at home (Tai Tai, as some would call it). But trust me, I would trade it all in a second for a normal life, and go back to work. When he works, he is still free. He still goes out with friends and has his time alone to refresh. My elder son is growing up and he is free too. But am the only one carrying this burden called autism, I am tired, so tired I really want to be free.... one luxury that I never saw in life.
With tears in my eyes, I think of today. I feel like a failure to my boys. What kind of mother can't cope with her children, plus everyone tells me, "you only have two what?" Could it be that I don't have what it takes? Why do I keep breaking down so much? Am I not strong enough? I hate myself when I lash out at my hubby and elder son, when I can't seem to cope with all that is expected of me. Truly, if I had know that this was what life had in store for me, I would have just stopped with dating. It's just hard, every couple of months, we go back to square one again with Ivan's autism. People are so quick to judge but how many can actually lend a helping hand.
My hubby suggested that I went out with friends, yeah right. Being cooped up at home following Ivan everywhere and running from doctor to therapist had left me with practically no friends. In the beginning I would brush them off my saying that I had appointments with therapist, then the follow ups and what nots. Eventually, most lost touch and now I find myself cooped up, miserable and exhausted. Not actually the life, people imagine the Tai Tai me to have I guess. To most, they see the money that the Lord has blessed us with, but no one sees the pain and exhaustion I go through...
With a loud sigh, I look to tomorrow to be a brighter day...
-bittersweetz-
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