does gender really matter?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

ext from blog: Tues, Nov 25, 2008

This question kind of reminds me of a conversation that took place between my mum and my first born. 

We were watching the news and the PSLE results were out, my mum (being the old fashioned person that she is) made a comment to my son.

It went like this:

Grandma: "Look almost all the top scorers are girls, what happened to all the boys?

Grandson: "Well, we have more important things to do in life, going to the army and defending our country. So its fine." 

My mum was stunned by his reply. But that's my Immanuel for you, just like his mummy.

In line with this train of thought, I just came across a caption in a book called, "The Everything Parent's Guide To Raising Boys" by Cheryl L. Erwin. Let me share this with you...

ARE BOYS DIFFERENT FROM GIRLS?

In 1967, twin boys were born to a family in Canada. When the boys were eight months old, their parents took them to be circumcised. Unfortunately, this routine procedure had tragic results for one of the babies. Doctors used an unconventional method of circumcision and little Bruce Reimer's penis was burned off accidentally. His parents were horrified, but the doctors had an answer. Believing that gender differences were only environmental, they advised Bruce's parents to buy him dresses and dolls and to raise him as a girl. Bruce became Brenda. Later on, his genitals were surgically altered a girl's, and "she" was taken to psychiatrists to help her form a female identity.

Brenda was not fooled, however. She didn't want to wear dresses or play with girls. She wanted boys' toys and to play with her brother and his friends. When she did play with the other girls, Brenda was bossy and demanding, and she wanted everyone to play rowdy, active games. She struggled in school; although her twin brother passed easily from grade to grade, Brenda was held back because her social and emotional skills were found lacking.

Brenda received estrogen injections as a teenager but was never attracted to boys. She was physically awkward, did not look feminine, and was teased and excluded by the other girls. She became so depressed that she began to consider suicide.

Finally, when Brenda was fourteen, her father told her the truth about her birth. In interviews (and in John Colapinto's account of Bruce/Brenda's story, As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl), Bruce reports that the news came as a relief. Finally, what he'd been feeling all his life made sense. Bruce eventually received male hormone injections and had surgical reconstruction: he changed his name to David and married at the age of twenty-five, saying that he felt happy as man. Unfortunately, David and his wife eventually separated, his twin brother died, and David committed suicide at the age of thirty-eight. If gender goes deeper than physical appearance - and, as David Reimer's story certainly shows, it does- you may be wondering what it really means to be male.

Its a very sad and tragic ending. My heart goes out to the twins who must have literally been living in hell. As my husband is one in a pair of twins, I have seen their wonderful brotherly love. Things they do together and the fun they shared since young. All their childhood memories that he would trade for nothing. I didn't want to feel so down so I read something else a little lighter and controversial from the same book.

WHY DOES GENDER MATTER?

Psychologist Elaine Aron, Ph.D., tells the story of an informal experiment on gender. A young infant was left in a park with an attendant who claimed to have agreed to sit with the baby for a few minutes, not knowing if it was a boy or a girl. Many people stopped to admire the infant, and every one of them was upset about not knowing the baby's gender. Several even volunteered to undress the baby to find out.

Gender forms one of the earliest expectations parents have for their children. Some parents pray for a son; others hope for a girl. Why? Are boys and girls really that different?

Until recently, even researchers were reluctant to talk much about gender differences. In the world of women's liberation and political correctness, there was something suspicious about saying that girls and boys might be inherently different. Parents were encouraged to avoid gender bias and were discouraged from teaching stereotypes to their sons and daughters. Little girls should not be restricted to dolls, this reasoning went; instead they should be encouraged to become police officers and doctors, not "just mommies."

Little boys faced an even more difficult challenge. You may agree that it is good for girls to explore their strengths, but is it really all right for boys to explore their sensitivity? The same parent who chuckles as his son tumbles around the playground, shaking his head and saying with a smile, "Boys will be boys," may feel a small stab of worry when that same little boy picks up his sister's doll and contentedly settles down to play.

Much of what you have learned about boys and girls comes from generations of assumptions, from your own parents, from your friends, and from the world around you. For example, you may believe that boys are strong while girls are weaker. Boys are brave; girls are more timid. Girls cook and clean; boys go to work to provide for girls. Girls are allowed to cry; boys had better not cry in public.

Society allows girls to be giddy and silly; boys must demonstrate that they know how to be manly. Even in this liberated world, working women still bear the bulk of the responsibility for child care, keeping a home, cooking, and cleaning. Why? Well, our culture still assumes that those jobs are women's work. Many mothers never train their sons to do these tasks.

I'ts something to think about, really. Can we mothers really make a difference? I try my best, but I realize that some areas are filled with society stigmas that we cannot change. Plus, the ego in the male plays a great part. So I finally, settled with the idea that men and women are wired differently. We compliment each other and we should not try to over-power each other. It helps when women have qualities that men don't and when men have qualities we may not have.

In my early days of my marriage life, I used to get so frustrated with my hubby for not doing things my way. He a care-free person while I am a perfectionist. (great combination, huh) Slowly, I stop expecting him to be like me, and finally decided to let him be a man, with all the shortcomings the gender brings (ha..ha..ha..). But its been great, we learn from each other over time.

 

-bittersweetz-