2009, July 07, Tuesday
People say that family support is crucial for children like Ivan. I must say that somehow I am amazed at how, my hubby and I are handling everything on our own without family support. And by God's grace we are still functioning as husband and wife. Many couples head into divorce because of the demands and stresses autism brings. Not forgetting the financial aspect.
Ivan never got the attention his elder brother got even when he was born. He was the second born, so the excitement wasn't that strong. As Ivan grew, I stayed home for 6 months without a maid (had asked her to leave). We had been saving up for this. I figured that a maid would take a liking to the new baby and would show a difference to my elder boy. So my hubby and I agreed that at least for 6months I would try to buffer their relationship. It was alot of sharing for a toddler to comprehend. He was the apple of his daddy's eye for two years, and now he would have t0 share that title with another. There were trying times, but we managed. Finally it was time to go back to work and we got a maid. She was God sent, she looked after my baby very well, but she did however show a preference for one over the other.
Every evening, we came back home and would take over the children, so that the maid could get her ample rest and we got our time with our kids. As time passed we had no clue that Ivan was to surprise us with "autism". Both the boys were special in their own way. Immanuel, had a special bond with both the extended families. He was the first born on my side and the name sake on the daddy's side. All was going well.
As time passed, people began to realise that, Ivan was different.He didn't talk as much as his brother, actually, he didn't talk at all, he merely babbled. Unlike his brother who liked cars and bikes, Ivan was much more fascinated with boxes and wheels. It so happened that once, Immanuel received a present when we went to visit my in-laws. I was not happy that they had not gotten Ivan anything, but I kept quiet as my in-laws were very petty.
As Immanuel opened the toy to play, Ivan crawled up towards him. As Ivan reached forward, Immanuel pushed him and Ivan fell. Ivan regained position and fisted Immanuel. (even then he knew that he wasn't going to be pushed around). Immanuel started to cry. Immediately, the uncle who bought the toy, started to scold Ivan and carried him away and placed him further away.
Ivan crawled back. I could no longer hold my peace. I told my brother in-law what had really happened, as he claimed that Ivan needed to be disciplined for hitting his brother. It was unfair to get my elder son to share as he was still young, and it was not right to deprive Ivan either. So I commented that they either got both of them something or don't get either anything. I didn't want me children to feel the difference. (what my hubby and I tried so hard to accomplish) Sadly, the action that followed broken my heart.
The uncle that bought the robot for Immanuel, heard my comment and replied, "It's okay, I'll just give Ivan the box, it's not like he would know the difference." I was so angry and sadden. How could people be so cruel? My poor baby didn't deserve this. That was the day I realise that this was just the beginning. The world is a cruel place and Ivan has many more similar incidences to face in future. Thus, I became no longer just his mother, I was now his advocate. I was his voice and would straighten things out for him should they need to be. I was extra determined that I would make Ivan as independent as possible.
This so called family was never going to look out for him. Ivan had to to that himself. As years went by, things got worse as they would not stop this behavior. Immanuel started to resent his little brother and my hubby and I were at a loss. Immanuel felt that his brother was different and unlike other siblings of friends he watched, his brother was weird to him. To make things worse, he would hear the adults around him use words like, "leave him alone, he don't understand", "never mind about him, let's carry on", "he doesn't know anything," and the most classic way my mum would introduce Ivan's autism to friends was, "something wrong with him, he's not normal." How is a growing child to love and accept his brother's shortcomings if this is the environment he is growing up in.
It took my years of explaining and lots of excursions to therapies. I would bring Immanuel along for most of the therapy sessions that Ivan attended, so show him how it was. Simple things, that we take for granted, Ivan needed therapy to learn, things like drinking from a straw or holding a pencil. Both the dad and I tried to appeal to his emotions to feel for his brother. Things started to improve. And when their relationship got better, all the adults had to say was, "not bad, he looks after his brother, very good". Yeah as if they did all the work.
This is a job I can never retire from, one I can hardly handle but have no choice. There are no off days or holidays, there are no substitutes or stand ins. Its just a job, I never interviewed for. A path I never requested to walk, a destination I have no idea of, a journey with surprises at every turn. But as I walk, I am not alone, I walk with my hubby, and my two boys and the Good Lord watching over us.
Ivan never got the attention his elder brother got even when he was born. He was the second born, so the excitement wasn't that strong. As Ivan grew, I stayed home for 6 months without a maid (had asked her to leave). We had been saving up for this. I figured that a maid would take a liking to the new baby and would show a difference to my elder boy. So my hubby and I agreed that at least for 6months I would try to buffer their relationship. It was alot of sharing for a toddler to comprehend. He was the apple of his daddy's eye for two years, and now he would have t0 share that title with another. There were trying times, but we managed. Finally it was time to go back to work and we got a maid. She was God sent, she looked after my baby very well, but she did however show a preference for one over the other.
Every evening, we came back home and would take over the children, so that the maid could get her ample rest and we got our time with our kids. As time passed we had no clue that Ivan was to surprise us with "autism". Both the boys were special in their own way. Immanuel, had a special bond with both the extended families. He was the first born on my side and the name sake on the daddy's side. All was going well.
As time passed, people began to realise that, Ivan was different.He didn't talk as much as his brother, actually, he didn't talk at all, he merely babbled. Unlike his brother who liked cars and bikes, Ivan was much more fascinated with boxes and wheels. It so happened that once, Immanuel received a present when we went to visit my in-laws. I was not happy that they had not gotten Ivan anything, but I kept quiet as my in-laws were very petty.
As Immanuel opened the toy to play, Ivan crawled up towards him. As Ivan reached forward, Immanuel pushed him and Ivan fell. Ivan regained position and fisted Immanuel. (even then he knew that he wasn't going to be pushed around). Immanuel started to cry. Immediately, the uncle who bought the toy, started to scold Ivan and carried him away and placed him further away.
Ivan crawled back. I could no longer hold my peace. I told my brother in-law what had really happened, as he claimed that Ivan needed to be disciplined for hitting his brother. It was unfair to get my elder son to share as he was still young, and it was not right to deprive Ivan either. So I commented that they either got both of them something or don't get either anything. I didn't want me children to feel the difference. (what my hubby and I tried so hard to accomplish) Sadly, the action that followed broken my heart.
The uncle that bought the robot for Immanuel, heard my comment and replied, "It's okay, I'll just give Ivan the box, it's not like he would know the difference." I was so angry and sadden. How could people be so cruel? My poor baby didn't deserve this. That was the day I realise that this was just the beginning. The world is a cruel place and Ivan has many more similar incidences to face in future. Thus, I became no longer just his mother, I was now his advocate. I was his voice and would straighten things out for him should they need to be. I was extra determined that I would make Ivan as independent as possible.
This so called family was never going to look out for him. Ivan had to to that himself. As years went by, things got worse as they would not stop this behavior. Immanuel started to resent his little brother and my hubby and I were at a loss. Immanuel felt that his brother was different and unlike other siblings of friends he watched, his brother was weird to him. To make things worse, he would hear the adults around him use words like, "leave him alone, he don't understand", "never mind about him, let's carry on", "he doesn't know anything," and the most classic way my mum would introduce Ivan's autism to friends was, "something wrong with him, he's not normal." How is a growing child to love and accept his brother's shortcomings if this is the environment he is growing up in.
It took my years of explaining and lots of excursions to therapies. I would bring Immanuel along for most of the therapy sessions that Ivan attended, so show him how it was. Simple things, that we take for granted, Ivan needed therapy to learn, things like drinking from a straw or holding a pencil. Both the dad and I tried to appeal to his emotions to feel for his brother. Things started to improve. And when their relationship got better, all the adults had to say was, "not bad, he looks after his brother, very good". Yeah as if they did all the work.
This is a job I can never retire from, one I can hardly handle but have no choice. There are no off days or holidays, there are no substitutes or stand ins. Its just a job, I never interviewed for. A path I never requested to walk, a destination I have no idea of, a journey with surprises at every turn. But as I walk, I am not alone, I walk with my hubby, and my two boys and the Good Lord watching over us.
-bittersweetz-
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